


I am Torn Apart by You

by QuiteMagicalBane



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec's crush on Jace, Angst, Anxiety, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Izzy and Alec have an argument, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sad, Self-Harm, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, Using exercise as self harm, jalec - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-12-16 18:22:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11834415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuiteMagicalBane/pseuds/QuiteMagicalBane
Summary: Alec's reaction after the Clace kiss in 1x07 after he walked out





	I am Torn Apart by You

Alec leaned on the glass panel as he watched the scene before him unfold, gripping it with his hands tightly. Just a few feet away Jace and Clary were together, Jace looking uncharacteristically worried and Clary having a combination of excitement over finding the cup and cockiness about having beaten the Shapeshifting demon. The small redhead wrapped her arms around Jace who stood shocked for a moment before returning the hug, softly rubbing her back, Alec shifted on his feet, shaping his face into a look of indifference even though his stomach had felt like it was attached to an anchor, slowly sinking further and- further. Alec bit the inside of his cheek before turning his glance away to his approaching sister and began to fill her in on the events at the police station after they had split up. From meeting up with Luke to Clary surprisingly killing a demon on her own.  
“She has the cup?” Isabelle asked, there was eagerness in her voice. Alec gave a short nod before turning back to where the redhead and Jace had been conversing only seconds ago to see Clary rising on her toes to press a sudden kiss against Jace’s lips, cutting off whatever it was he was saying. Jace unsurprisingly enthusiastically reciprocated the kiss, his arm wrapping around her waist and the other hand cradling her head. Alec felt his already sunken feeling stomach begin to feel hollowed out as his heart contracted painfully in his chest. He bit the inside of his cheek again, hard enough to taste the metallic, penny like taste of blood, and shifted on his feet, feeling like the world was unsteady beneath him. He felt Izzy’s eyes on him, knowing she would easily see through his indifferent facade he avoided looking at her at all. He stared only a moment longer before pushing away from the panel and walked off down the hall next to them. He wasn’t sure where he was going, but he needed to get away from Clary and Jace.   
It wasn’t long before Alec heard the click of heels behind him, indicating Isabelle approaching him, Making Alec speed up, he didn’t want to see anyone right now, not even Izzy, even if she did mean well. “Alec!” Isabelle yelled down the hall as the clicking came to a sudden halt. Alec stopped at the call, attempting to calm his breathing by taking a long careful breath through his nose while closing his eyes before spinning on the heel of his foot. “What?” He snapped, his voice coming out much harsher than he had meant for it too. Isabelle— standing there with her arms crossed over her chest— raised her eyebrows at his tone. More often than not Isabelle is unaffected by Alec’s occasional harshness, knowing that it is his way of repressing his emotions more than he actually being a harsh person. “Sorry,” he said. “I just want to be alone, Izzy,” he said with a much calmer voice this time.  
Isabelle strode closer to Alec. Even now, with no one else around Isabelle had such confidence oozing from her in the way she held herself, It had been something Alec had found himself jealous of over the years, wishing he could be as confident in himself as his siblings were in themselves, but instead he is constantly receding to the back of the group hoping to go unnoticed, training extra because he knows he isn’t as good a fighter as his siblings, feeling as if he is not, and never will be good enough. Isabelle now stood directly in front on Alec.  
“I’m right, you know,” She said. Alec raised a questioning eyebrow at his little sister. “If you keep repressing your emotions, it’s only a matter of time before you snap, big brother.” Alec thought back to the other times she had said words similar to those. She has told him it for years since she found out about his feelings for Jace, but lately, especially since Clary arrived she has been bringing it up more often. “I don’t repre—” He started but cut himself off as Izzy raised her eyebrows at him, both of them knowing full well that she is right.  
“Fine,” he said. “She shouldn’t be here. She is hardly a Shadowhunter, she has never once trained before a few weeks ago. She’s Valentine’s daughter for Raziel’s sake! He—we have no reason to trust her!” His voice gradually elevated without him noticing as he went on. “Since she’s arrived our whole world's been turned upside down, Iz!” Alec took a breath, having had talked too long and fast without a break to breathe.   
Izzy’s look towards him shifted, her expression now sad. Instead of trying to defend Clary as Alec had expected, and hoped for, she said “we both know that isn’t what this is about, Big Brother,” softly. Alec had hoped that Izzy would allow him to try to just reflect his feelings to anger towards Clary even though she knew what this was really about, but he should have figured she would not.   
“Yes,” he said, his voice stiff. “It is, Isabelle.” Izzy frowned. “No, it is not,” She said, her voice firm “Why can’t you just talk to me, Alec?” she asked, there was hurt in her voice. “It’s not like I don’t know what is going on with you.” He stared down at his little sister who was looking up at him with such love, part of him wanted to let her in, tell her how he felt, how much Jace’s feelings for the Fairchild girl had been hurting him. But another, bigger part of him was terrified too, he had never said the words I’m gay, or I’m in love with Jace out loud to anyone, even when she originally found out about his feelings he hadn’t said it, just let her figure it out for herself. He stayed silent.  
She moved a little closer to him slowly like she was approaching a scared dog. “You know as well as I do that this isn’t about Clary or what the Clave thinks,” She said, her voice soft and quiet. “You know this is because of your feelings. Because you can’t stand seeing Jace falling in love with her” Alec felt himself tense at her words. “Because you’re in lo--” Alec cut her off, his voice tense and hushed, putting his hand up in between them, making a physical barrier as well as an emotional one between them. “don’t,” is all he said. “Alec--” Isabelle started but before she could say what she wanted to Alec turned on his heel and begun walking away. “Just talk to me!” She yelled down the hall to him. Frustration clear in her voice.  
Alec clenched his jaw and breathed deeply, knowing what he was about to do was wrong, that it would only hurt him and his sister, that it would only drive her away from him and cause more problems, that this was just another form of self-destruction. “Maybe I don’t fucking want to Isabelle! Ever think about that!?” He yelled harshly, not caring if anyone heard him. He automatically felt bad when he saw his little sisters face change with hurt but he kept going, walking closer and lowering his voice but with no less harshness. “You act like you know what’s best for me, but you don’t!” He sighed, his head spinning. “You just don’t get it, Iz.” Isabelle stood staring at him, her dark brown--almost black-- eyes boring into him full of hurt. Alec struggled to keep the angry expression as she searched his face before finally sighing and stomping off.   
Alec let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding and leaned against the wall beside him. His head was spinning, making him feel dizzy and he still felt like his stomach was fallen to the floor. He took a few shakey breaths that got stuck in his throat before pushing off the wall and rushing down the hall, the pale white light from the witchlights feeling suddenly too bright. He knew he had gone through the wrong hall for him to be able to go to the living quarters, and he had no interest in walking through the main room which was currently full of other Shadowhunters including Jace and Clary who he was especially uninterested in seeing him in this state. Considering his direction he could either go to the training room or make his way outside to the city.   
Knowing it was far too late and dark now to go in the city with no backup and no weapons he chose the earlier choice. When he entered the room he was relieved to find it unoccupied and much dimmer than the hallway. Even though his eyes were having trouble focusing and his heart was still hammering at an increased speed along with his breathing he stripped off his shirt and walked over to the nearest punching bag, not bothering to wrap his hands before doing so. When he threw the first punch he was surprised by the jolt of pain which traveled through his arm; it had been a long time since he had last trained without wrapping. After the surprize, the pain had caused Alec relished in the pain, how it seemed to clear his head even just for the second. Alec hit again, this time knowing what to expect, causing another jolt of pain to go through his arm. Before he knew it he was rapidly punching the bag, absorbed into the training, letting it clear his head for him. Though the calmness couldn’t last forever, before long it started flooding back in. He thought about how Clary had ruined everything the group had, how she had suddenly infiltrated, but as Isabelle had said; that wasn’t was caused this. Now different thoughts rushed in. How Jace had been so much more concentrated on helping Clary than any of his duties or Alec. How he had begun to not consider Alec’s feelings or seem to care much about him anymore, how he had been down right mean. “Maybe your mother was right and your best just isn’t good enough” Alec remembered Jace saying. Maybe they were right, he thought. He wasn’t good enough, how could Alec be a good Shadowhunter, or especially a good Head of an Institute--His dream role-- if he couldn’t keep his own feelings and emotions in check? Alec hit the bag harder, the pain in his hand and arm from punching so long with no wrapping being almost dizzying. Finally, he thought of the kiss, of Jace’s feeling for the Fairchild girl. Alec remembered when he first realized that this was much different than any other girl from the past, those Alec could handle, just on the first night Clary was at the Institute Jace had begun acting differently, seemed less focused. He also remembered seeing his staring at her while she wasn’t looking, how he could see how he felt for her clear on his face, something that never happened. He thought of how at that moment he had thought She is all he sees now.   
Alec stopped punching and leaned his head against the bag to steady himself. His breathing was ragged, he heart rate out of control. He didn’t know if it was more from exertion or his own thoughts. He closed his eyes tightly, hoping to clear his head but instead all he saw behind his eyelids was Clary in Jace’s arms, there was a stinging in his eyes caused by tears building up.  
Alec took a deep breath in, counting to five before letting it back out. This was something Isabelle had done with him once when she walked in on him in a state similar to this one a few days after his Parabatai ceremony when he was sure he had made the biggest mistake of his life. He supposed there was likely a Mundane word for this state but Shadowhunters didn’t have one that he knew of. Breathe with me, big brother. She had said softly, her hand on top of his chest. He did as she said after his breathing calmed his mind had seemed to it clear enough to listen to her and let her talk some sense into him.   
The thought of Isabelle now caused another ache in his chest, after all the times she had helped him and believed in him and he had just lashed out at her. He cut his mind off not letting himself remember the hurt on her face or the way he had spoken to her. He took another breath, One, everything is going to shit. Two, you caused Isabelle to hurt. Three, everything is changing. Four, Jace is falling for Clary. Five, Let it all out.   
He continued this multiple times until his breathing was back to normal and his heart rate was even. He removed his head from where it had rested on the bag and pushed his hand through his sweaty hair. He pressed the heel of his hands to his eyes before straightening up, grabbing his shirt from the bench and heading to his room for a much-needed shower.


End file.
